Shallowe'en

There's an old adage that says onions do not make good moving pictures. But this feature length premiere changes all that.

Tunnel Vision

The caterpillar has landed

There's a new arrival on the plot. This year's sorry-looking courgettes were the final straw. The answer to the vagaries of the Scottish climate is to go undercover. And so may I introduce Polly, and isn't she a beauty? I am not sure everyone round here shares my polytheism but her personal attributes are many. All plants benefit from greater warmth, at least at some point in their cycle. This brings- as well as the chance to grow the queen of all the veg, aubergines - earlier spring crops while warmer autumn conditions allow more chance of ripening borderline late crops. Some tomatoes would be nice, and will benefit from protection from our characteristically wet blighty Augusts. The wind protection is one of the major gains here, with climbing beans probably the greatest beneficiary. In winter, Polly will produce superior quality of the hardy outdoor survivors like spinach and winter salads. And then there are my deluded visions of apricots, peaches and grapes, not to mention a new home for my not-so-hardy kiwis with the distant hope that the vines will grow bigger than the 5cm they have managed so far. All so more space to accommodate all those inevitable coach parties.

Everything's up in the air

Walk like an Egyptian

If you're still perplexed by the onion depth conundrum, here's a novel solution. These are variously called walking, tree, or Egyptian onions. The onions grow at the end of the stalks. They then develop legs with further onions on them which then plant themselves at whatever depth they feel like in the neighbouring ground. They will also appeal to you microveg growers out there as they never get much bigger than a pickled onion. The onions also multiply themselves in the ground. Once settled in though, they will walk all over you. Hence, I have bulbs available if any of you intrepid onions growers out there who can't get their depth right want to give it a go.

Thyme is on our side

June has been a tough month. With all that cool wet weather and Euro 2012 on the TV, the weeds have been successful on the counterattack. But despite many setbacks, I am starting to get a tournament-ready selection of produce together. Peas and broad beans turned up late for training and will have to be satisfied with a place on the potting bench. So here is my current best eleven:

Chard

Onion (S)      Rhubarb     des Glaces     Chive

Rocket

Thyme                                     Honeyberry

di Rapa

Asparagus   Artichoke

Thyme on the right flank with Chive (left back)

Tasty expensive frontman Asparagus spearheads the attack, beautifully complemented by Artichoke, who has been in surprisingly prolific early season form. The temperamental Italian import Cima di Rapa has had his best season yet, but just don't call him Turnip Top. Thyme looks elegant on the flanks, with the surprise debutant Honeyberry sharp in small bursts but with much promise for the future. The reliable Rocket adds a bit of pace and bite in the middle of the plot. Alongside the cool Iceberg Reine Des Glace let us commend the sturdy Rhubarb, who has also been the stem of a lot of good moves. The abundant raw talent of Spring Onion and the flourishing Chive give the team the requisite oniony flavour, while the ageing Chard has now made a record number of appearances at the Spring Kitchen Stadium. Given the shape of the pitch, the midfield will set up in a diamond formation and will be expected to play in neat triangles. They've been drawn in a tough group alongside the tournament favourites Weeds, the up and coming Pests and the unpredictable Inclement Weather, but I am hopeful at least of making the quarter finals.

A great view of the action from the expensive new grandstand

Friends in High Places

In the first of a very occasional series, we will take a critical look at onion patches around the world, with particular reference to depth, spacing, weeding regime and any vernacular cultivation techniques. Here we have Mario's Cipollini in the Tuscan uplands.

Mario has a fairly loose spacing, although he may have been thinning by harvesting in the green alla moda italiana. He has an even row width over the whole patch, which can make for difficult access and risk of trampling, al Dowsoni. Cleanliness of patch is a fairly neutral wH6.7 on the weedmeter, although as usual I didn't bother calibrating it properly so the result is just for the purpose of putting some numbers in the report. Curiously, Mario chooses to grow his onions in narrow ridges with his swellings not exposed, but perhaps he's cares little about the size of his bulbs - these would be best served up in a tight bunched finish. One must assume this technique is an essential aid for watering in these dusty environs because it looks molto faffo. Despite all this, you have to give him credit for a valiant effort on this mountainous stage. He offered to rent me part of his land for £10 euros a month but I thought it was a bit steep.

Extreme Gardening

Less than a week ago, the day temperature failed to reach 7 degrees. This week we've had 26 degrees in the sunshine that appeared spontaneously for the arrival of the WSP coach tour. The seedlings that sprouted in the March heatwave have until this week sat stunted not knowing what's going on. Fifty days since our first excited cut of asparagus, last night we managed a second one. All in all, not a great time to go on the annual seed-buying field trip sometimes known as a Mediterranean holiday. Yes, it's cooler there than here. I am up at 4am to do a last watering of my onions (it's already light!) because, as you'll know, if you want swell onions this is a critical time for growth, especially if someone has just stood on them. Here is my latest time lapse shot. Note the wide open spaces where things haven't germinated or I didn't bother sowing until this week, and also the absence of leaves on the ash trees. On our return, it will look very different but will the garden have burst into life or be fried to a crisp?

All hands on deck

There's a lot more out front these days. The decking I meant

Field work manager (right)

Now that the weed season is in full swing, you need all the help you can get. Labourers are being coached in from all parts. Unfortunately some deckhands are more useful than others, and if you are really unlucky you'll end up with someone who tramples on your onion patch and spends the rest of the shift on the phone. Still all is forgotten over a chard & spring onion pizza and rhubarb upside-down cake watching the sun go down over the northwest highlands. Next field trip and onion disinterment training course now booking.